Dove

It was late at night. Her flapping caught my attention. I looked up to see her perched in the rafters. The dove tried to fly out, but she was either hurt or disoriented. She skittered across the ceiling. Landing at the windows, she looked out, unable to pass through the invisible barrier. I climbed up and tried to get her to fly out. She let me come very close but was unable to understand my language or actions. She flew from my but quickly lost altitude and landed on the floor. I climbed down and urged her on. There was just a short distance to go, but she panicked and flew into a wall. She fell to my worktable, stunned, breathing hard, a feather lying loose at her side. Only then was I able to put her in a box and care for her.

She could not understand my attentions and so was hurt. I was unable to help her without being frightening.

I guess in this world, the pursuit of love and compassion is not without pain and confusion…

(Do I sound like Paulo Coelho? Lol!)…

Best wishes,

AG

 

Brilliant Thoughts

1. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
   
2. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
   
3. Floss.
   
4. Don't waste your time on jealousy.
   
5. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
   
6. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
   
7. Remember compliments you receive.
   
8. Forget the insults.
   
9. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Aisha@zanzinet.com
   

My friends tell me that I have a tendency to point out problems without offering solutions, but they never tell me what I should do about it! I think, public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which indicates his fate! I have joined facebook and it is keeping me very busy. At least I am not bothering the moral luminaries of Zanzibar!

Best wishes,

AG

 

 

 

Human Doing or Human Being?

Have you ever noticed that successful people seem to be able to do everything well? This is not because of some freak chance, but because of the foundation upon which they build their lives. The foundation of their lives is a strong commitment to personal development------to struggling to become the better person they know they can be in every area of their lives---which in turn transforms their family, relationships, community, country, and world. Truly successful people have character. Part of that character is an unwavering commitment to excellence. They know the art of discipline. Successful people just have better habits than the rest. You are your habits.

Successful people are in the habit of being disciplined. Undisciplined people are in the habit of being unsuccessful. Some people wake up each morning and just stagger through the day. Some people wake up to be successful. Whether it is success in the business world, success in the spiritual life, or success on the sporting field, the principles are the same. The application of these principles to any person's life necessarily breeds character and, in turn-----success, fulfillment, and happiness. Don't be a do person, be a be person. You are not a human doing, you are a human being.

The key to success in any field is not a secret. There are no secrets to success. Gimmicks and quick fixes do not lead a person to success. Neither do fast-talking, empty philosophies. Success in any field-----business, sport, politics, music, art, or spirituality-----depends upon a deep and profound understanding of who you are and what your needs, talents, and desires are. The key to success is character. And while the foundation of character is self-discipline, the essence of character is personality. Your unique personality holds the secrets to your success.

The greatest success is to be constantly growing, changing, developing, and evolving into the better person you know you can be. In any activity that assists you in this "becoming," you will find success. Success is the intimate and harmonious relationship among need, desire, and talent. When these three are understood and pursued in balance, the result is extraordinary. True success lies in seeking to discover who you truly are individually and uniquely; finding your own special gift, talent, or ability; and developing that gift for the benefit of all. Such success enriches the individual in every way. This type of success enriches society. Success is not just an achievement, it is a contribution.

 

Best wishes,

AG

PS: Happy Birthday Khadija ...

Forgiveness

Do you hate someone? Do you really hate someone? You haven't spoken to him/her for a while? You've been blaming him/her? You're not the only one; the Muslim Ummah today is diseased with this to the extent that almost every Muslim knows another Muslim who he hates.

The Ummah is like a building with the Muslims as it's bricks, brotherhood is the cement. Without forgiveness you cannot have brotherhood. OK then, he wronged you. He deceived you. He backbited you. He lied to you. But even in these extreme situations the Qur'an and the Hadith teach us that we have to forgive others (especially those who hurt us the most) if we wish to earn the forgiveness of Allah on the day of judgement. We have all committed many sins, made many mistakes and no doubt we have wronged others, we have deceived others, we have backbited others and no doubt we have lied to others.

So what makes us focus onto brothers' and sisters' errors while we remain unconscious of our own. Not to forgive is like to live in arrogance, and ignorance of our own shortcomings.
Forgiveness is linked with piety and God-consciousness, is there anybody who is not without sin? Is there anybody who can be arrogant enough to say that he does not need to forgive? Do we not know that Allah forgives those who forgive others? Therefore, we should realise the difficulties of others and forgive them. Allah says in the Qur'an:
"Be quick in the forgiveness from your Lord, and pardon (all) men - for Allah loves those who do good."
[Surah ali Imran; 3:133-134]

And we know that Allah Himself is Ar-Rahmaan (the Most Compassionate) and Ar-Raheem (the Most Merciful) and that His Mercy is infinite, and that no matter the sin (except shirk) Allah is always willing to answer the person's call for forgiveness. In fact Allah loves the tear drop that falls from the eye of one who sincerely seeks the forgiveness of his Lord.
And Allah loves us to have hearts that are ready to forgive.

The Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) once asked his companions;
"Do you know what will cause you to have high walled palaces in Paradise (as a symbol of great reward) and will cause you to be raised by God?" When they replied in the negative, he said,
"To be forgiving and to control yourself in the face of provocation, to give justice to the person who was unfair and unjust to you, to give to someone even though he did not give to you when you were in need and to keep connection with someone who may not have reciprocated your concern."

Similarly the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said that the best of people are those who are slow to get angry and quick to forgive. On the other hand the worst of people are those, he said who get angry quickly but are slow to forgive.

The characteristic that makes a person most likely to forgive is the purity of his or her heart. Apologies must be accepted, the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said that:
"Whoever apologises to his brother and that apology is not accepted, then the person who refuses to accept the apology bears the sin of one who takes the property of another unjustly.

And the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) also said that:
"The doors of the Garden are open on Monday and Thursday. Every Muslim slave who does not associate anything with Allah is forgiven except for the man who has enmity between him and his brother. It is said, 'Leave those two until they have made a reconciliation. Leave those two until they have made a reconciliation.'"

If we look at the example and the character of the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) we can see that he was always forgiving and never showed enmity to anyone except those who waged war against him. There was an old lady who used to throw rubbish in his way every day, on one occasion she did not throw rubbish in the street, so he decided to go and see what was the matter. She was ill in bed, to her amazement, the Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) came to see her and find out about her.

She accepted Islam.
This is the example of the man whom we claim to follow. Thumamah, as the chief of his tribe had killed many Muslims. On his travels, he was caught by the Muslim soldiers and was taken to the Prophet's masjid and tied to one of the pillars. The Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) commanded his companions to untie him and give him the best food. The Messenger of God (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) was indeed a mercy for the worlds.

We should similarly be merciful with each other. First of all, we ourselves should not do anything to upset our brothers and sisters (because this is in itself a part of mercy) and then we should forgive those who have upset us or made us angry. We will never be a strong ummah if we are not able to forgive.

Some might say that to forgive is a sign of weakness and humiliation, and for them it is better to be strong and preserve their honor. But honor in the eyes of Allah lies in forgiveness.
"But indeed if any shows patience and forgives that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs."
[surah 42:43]

If we are to be really strong then we have to be strong against Shaitaan and forgive our brothers and sisters, and in this way maybe Allah will decide insha-Allah to forgive ourselves for our many mistakes.

" ...honour in the eyes of Allah lies in forgiveness....."

I will confess; I have said some nasty things to my loved ones and I am truly sorry for my behavior. I always apologize when I feel I have done or said something wrong. Some people forgive while others tend to stick to "anger"…

I hope they will read this blog and think (and learn to let go). I am trying to control my anger as I can't simply justify my acts… I am a confronter…and that's what people hate!

Best wishes,

AG

PS:Today is Al Israa Wal Miraj and I want to take this opportunity to wish you all the best.Thank you for reading my blogs. I really appreciate all your emails from the deepest point in my heart. Keep them coming and I will keep on writing.

Abrupt or Docile?

Albert Einstein wrote, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

I have been told by many people that I am "abrupt", yet I find myself very "docile". I guess they have their thoughts and I have mine? Thoughts, perception, acuity, insight, views or whatever you call it… fluctuates, as we (human beings) hold different personalities and different vistas to life. You were born to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This is your essential purpose. Embrace this one solitary truth and it will change your life more than anything you have ever learned. In every situation, simply ask yourself, which of the options before me will help me become the-best-version-of-myself?

We don't need more time; we need more energy. Let's face it! There are twenty-four hours in a day. Nobody gets more, and nobody gets less. It doesn't matter how much money you have, who your father is, or how well you can kick a football. Twenty-four hours is all you get. It is probably the only way the equality we speak so much about actually exists.

The differentiating factor is energy. Energy is our most valuable resource, not time. For too long we have been subscribing to myths. Stress is bad. Downtime is a waste of time. Money drives performance. These are but a few. Stress isn't bad. Stress all the time is bad. Downtime isn't a waste of time. Too much downtime is a waste of life. Money doesn't drive performance. Passion and purpose drive performance. Energy is created by a sense of purpose and a lifestyle that integrates our legitimate needs, our deepest desires, and our talents.

Our purpose is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. The rhythm of life is the way of life that brings our needs, desires, and talents into harmony with each other. The result: passion and energy. Life is the spending and replenishing of energy. What level is your energy at?

The first level: depressed, exhausted, burned-out, and defeated.

The second level: angry, fearful, anxious, defensive, and resentful.

The third level: mellow and serene.

The fourth level: confident, joyful, enthusiastic, and invigorated.

I am obedient while some people are provokers! When someone aggravates me, I react accordingly. I use my energy to fight for the truth!

When I bring out the facts, points and reality, people get annoyed. I guess, they lack the courage to face the truth. I don't know, whatever the problem is, I am not going to waste my precious time to react the way people want me to react. I will react in my own way! Then, if they want to tag me abrupt, hasty, or rebel - I don't mind.

I have suffered several devastating blows in my life and I am not going to let anyone take advantage of me ever, AGAIN!

So- people can judge me all they want, my advice to them is to keep the verdicts to themselves!

Best wishes,

AG

PS: I'm not abrupt, on the contrary, I'm very docile!

The Rhythm of Happiness…

Happiness is not success. Happiness is not pleasure. Happiness is not fun.

Too many people equate happiness with success, physical pleasure, and fun. These are the myths that distract us from pursuing true happiness.

Happiness is not success. What level of success do you imagine will make you happy? I promise you, the happiness born from the achievement of that success would be very short-lived. Once you have climbed that mountain, you will cast your gaze to the peak of another, higher mountain. I have met enough successful people to know that success cannot be equated with happiness. Some of them are tremendously happy, others are desperately miserable. It seems that those who were happy before they became successful are still happy, and their success has perhaps increased their happiness. But those who were not happy before their success are still not happy, and in some cases they are unhappier than ever before.

Success contributes to our happiness only inasmuch as it helps us become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Happiness is not physical pleasure. What physical pleasure can be sustained? How long can you enjoy the pleasure of food before it turns to pain? How long can you indulge in the pleasure of alcohol or drugs before the high turns into a low? Physical pleasure is fleeting and when detached from our essential purpose leaves emptiness as its aftermath.

Physical pleasure creates lasting happiness in our lives only when it helps us become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Happiness is not fun. Most people believe that the more fun experiences they have, the happier they will be. Children are the perfect example. It is inconceivable for them that happiness is something other than fun. Believing that the more fun we have, the happier we will be, we also tend to choose friends we think will contribute to the fun factor. How important is fun to your conception of happiness?

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine a scene filled with happy people.

Most people conjure an image of people laughing, eating, drinking, or partying. Very few people conjure a picture of a woman sitting quietly on her porch swing, enjoying a great book; a man just as quietly enjoying his vegetable garden; a couple married for thirty-five years walking hand in hand; or a young couple raising their children.

Our conception of happiness is often fatally flawed by the belief that fun equals happiness. Don't get me wrong; I'm not suggesting you should spend your life avoiding fun. Fun is an important part of a healthy and happy life. But fun for fun's sake rarely leads to any type of lasting happiness. The challenge is to learn to have fun doing the things that matter most.

Fun increases our happiness when it is infused into those activities that help us become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Your ability to experience happiness will be limited only by your ability to grasp the meaning and purpose of your life.

In every decision, we choose happiness or misery. When we choose to become the-best-version-of-ourselves we choose happiness, and when we choose by default to become a-second-rate-version-of-ourselves we choose misery.

There is only one question: Will what you are about to do help you become the-best-version-of-yourself? If the answer to that question is "Yes," do it without hesitation.

The journey of the soul is difficult. Life is difficult. It is those who imagine that life is easy or should be easy who end up the unhappiest. It is the friction of life, the challenges of life, the ebb and flow of the unexpected, that all work together to help us fulfill our essential purpose and destiny.

Along the way, there are many barriers and obstacles to be overcome. The shape, form, and content of our lives are determined by our decisions. Some of our decisions are small, while others are large. Yet to some extent, each decision impacts not only what we do, but also who we become.

Life comes down to a series of choices and decisions. We find ourselves constantly at a crossroads.

There are a thousand possible paths. You must decide which path is best for you. It is not a decision that you must make today. Take the time necessary to become familiar with your legitimate needs, deepest desires, and talents. Start to make the small decisions of your day-to-day life in alignment with your essential purpose. By honoring the meaning and purpose of your life in the small things, you will discover that the larger questions looming in your life become clearer and clearer.

Happiness eludes all those who seek it for its own sake. True happiness is the by-product of the journey.

When you eat well and exercise regularly, how do you feel? You feel more fully alive. You feel healthier. You have more energy. You feel fantastic. What is happening to make you feel that way? Not just the activity of eating well and exercising, but activity with meaning. Activity empowered by purpose. When you are eating well and exercising regularly, physically you are becoming a-better-version-of-yourself. You are moving along the path from point A toward point B.

When you fall in love, or when you give priority to your existing relationships by investing some carefree timelessness in them, how do you feel? Amazing, energized, inspired, moved, capable of anything. What is happening to make you feel that way? You have engaged your essential purpose and are moving from point A toward point B. You are making the journey. Your ability to love is increasing, and your ability to be loved is increasing. Your heart is expanding its capacities. You begin to think of another person before yourself. Emotionally, you are growing, changing, developing-becoming the-best-version-of-yourself.

When you read a great book and discover dynamic ideas and ancient truths, how do you feel? More mentally vital, more vibrant, more alert. Why? Your mind is expanding. Intellectually, you are growing, changing, developing-becoming the better person you know you can be.

When you have a spiritual encounter or experience, how do you feel? As though the whole world could fall apart and it wouldn't matter. Why? Your spirit is expanding and you are beginning to see things with proper perspective and priority. Spiritually, you are growing, changing, developing-becoming the better person you know you can be.

This journey is life.

Happiness is merely a by-product of the journey.

Dedicate yourself to the journey. Develop a strong, uncompromising commitment to becoming the-best-version-of-yourself. Make the decisions of your life with that purpose and goal in mind.

Take time each day to visualize that person you are capable of becoming. If you cannot visualize the better person you wish to become, you cannot become that better person. The more specific your visualization, the faster and more effectively you will be transformed into that better version of yourself. Visualize particular ways of acting in certain situations. Imagine a situation with a particular person where you are normally impatient. Visualize the perfect way to respond to that person, over and over again in the empty moments of the day, and before too long you will begin to respond to that person in the way you have imagined.

All great change is first an idea in our minds. The first expression of every great achievement in history has been in the wonder of the imagination. Visualize the changes you wish to achieve.

If you do not, you will not.

Philosophers hold that the being of something changeable consists not only of what it is, but also of what it still can be-that is, its potential. So, in the philosophical sense of being, as a person you consist not only of who you are now, but also of who you are capable of becoming at any moment in the future. It is the vision of the potential within us that leads us to become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Recognize your potential. You already have everything within you that you need to make this journey.

Life is choices. Choose the-best-version-of-yourself in each moment.

Choose happiness.

Best wishes,

AG

 

 

Slow Down

If you don't break from the tensions of daily living, they will break you. Slow down. Breathe deeply. Reflect deeply. Pray deeply. Live deeply. Otherwise you will spend your life feeling like a bulldozer chasing after butterflies or a sparrow in a hurricane.

There is a pattern. It is what leaders, legends, heroes, great achievers, champions, and saints do to excel in their given field. This is the way of excellence, from start to finish. The first thing they do is work out where they are------point A-------and who they are------self knowledge. They take a good, long, hard look at themselves. They establish their needs, talents, and desires. They define and list their strengths and weaknesses. They define who they are and where they are. The very next thing they do is work out where they want to go-----point B. They call that the dream, their goal or ambition. They define it precisely.

Now that they know where they are and who they are-------point A------and where they want to go-----point B-----they establish which path will take them there the quickest. They have a vision. There pull together a plan. It may be imperfect plan, but it is a plan nonetheless. Those who fail to plan can plan to fail. The next thing they do is begin to work the plan. They walk the path. They move in the directions of their dreams. They remind themselves of that goal in every waking moment, of every hour, of every single day. They never let that goal out of their sight. They do not let anything get between them and their goal. They are dedicated to their path and plan. They walk the path with unrelenting energy. They begin to use all their time, effort, and energy in pursuit of their goal. They never give up. Success, excellence, and greatness are not accidents. They are the fruit of discipline. They are the result of a well-implemented plan.

You were born to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This is your essential purpose. Embrace this one solitary truth and it will change your life more than anything you have ever learned. In every situation, simply ask yourself, which of the options before me will help me become the-best-version-of-myself?

Best wishes,
AG

When the going gets tough, the tough find a new road to joy

This is it. I'm nearly ready to give up. As said -Resistance is futile. I'm might be left without any choice but to marry rich.
But, Aisha, you cry, what about happiness? Can an oddly charming creature such as yourself really find bliss with a money-grubbing automaton without conversation, personal style or morals?
Unfortunately, kiddies, the answer might just be yes. If bliss can be defined as "not living in squalor and fighting an ongoing, uphill battle against the encroaching filth of a kind-hearted but oblivious-to-basic-hygienic-practices domicile-mate", then yeah I can turn my back on all core-Aisha-values and whore my loyalties out to the highest bidder. That is to say, I might have to give up writing altogether (for a while), and find a place to devote myself to corporate U.S.A, UK, etc… I'm prepared to assimilate.
(he he ok It was a joke!) I don’t think I will ever do that! I am so picky, it’s pathetic!
Being intelligent is not being studious. It is knowing how to be fulfilled in all circumstances. The essence of greatness is the ability to choose personal fulfillment in circumstances where others choose madness. I know a lot of people who got married for money…I don’t want to name them here, that will definitely create an imbroglio (and to be honest with you -I am not up for another melodrama!).
A friend of mine actually dumped a guy just because she was forced to do it by her “chahane wale!” (loved ones)…(because the guy was poor)…She received an anonymous letter “apparently from a well wisher” telling her to dump the guy or face funny consequences (big deal!). She must have freaked out…poor girl. She spent tremendous time putting effort on recognizing the handwriting …(even though she figured it out almost right away but she was in denial for several years). She just could not believe that “an angel” could write a fatuous letter like that!
When she meets the person (the well wisher and anonymous astute writer), she greets him humbly. I guess she is happy with the fact that people are outlining her future for her. She never confronted him...(did I tell you that she lacks that ability?) Oh well, I know confrontation is a painful ordeal for many, many people. It is something that most people avoid. Yet confrontation can be educational, in building relationships, improving relationships, and generating better understanding between people. That depends on how confrontation is handled, of course. When approached in a positive manner with good intentions and a strong desire to resolve whatever the issue; confrontation comes out with positive results. Those that seek to avoid confrontation usually have had negative outcomes from confrontation. That is what makes them avoid it at all costs.

Best wishes,
AG

For Mahajaan with Love

Right after the upheaval, I became aware of my own morality and the inevitability of death. Lying in my bed, surrounded by books, a lot of important questions came to my mind...I realized you can learn more in one hour of silence than you can in a year from books. Silence introduces us to ourselves-----for better and for worse.
Silence convicts, suggests, and challenges------yes.
But silence also consoles, heals, comforts, clears the mind, and gives courage to the weary heart. I grasped the fact that life is a blend of ups and downs and this philosophy, my dear mahajaan, is clearly reflected in our case. I decided to sit down and write an apology letter to you…I understood the real meaning of “Tranquility/ Harmony/ Serenity” upon completing the letter.
I played my role (which was wajib) and left you at liberty to play yours. What I can tell you is that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, and you are the one who gets burned.
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. Men at some time are masters of their fate. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, they make them. Mahajaan, don't let worldly life beguile you, and don't let illusion blind you.
Sometimes life shakes us up a little. We become disoriented, over whelmed, consumed by the day-to-day happenings in our lives. Our lives are an expression of what is within us. Life is an overflow of the heart. If within you are confused, frustrated, and exhausted, your actions will tell the same story. We are human beings-----a delicate composition of body and soul, linked carefully by the will and the intellect.
Some assumptions are not permissible, such as holding a bad opinion about someone who manifests righteous behavior. This is something that is very easy to have but is harmful to us and injurious to one's own spiritual growth. This is allowing conjecture into one's heart without having facts.
Scholars have advised one should even beware of forming conclusions based on the bad appearances of people, for it could be that God veils their goodness from others. Having a bad opinion of someone without cause is considered a malady of heart. Often associated with this disease is backbiting, speaking ill of another person behind his or her back. (Learn to confront people my love!).
Suspicion in the heart that effect's one's thoughts and opinion of another person is called backbiting of the heart. This is not permissible in our religion.
Some wise person once said “Petty people seek out the faults of great people, while great people overlook the faults of petty people. If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?”
Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be vicious. Therefore, I apologize and move on with my life. There is nothing more galling to angry people than the coolness of those on whom they wish to vent their spleen. And let’s face reality, anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. I don’t believe in revenge, I am more on the forgiveness side if you know what I mean. If we can forgive everyone, regardless of what he or she may have done, we nourish the soul and allow our whole being to feel good. God delights to watch the soul grow. Perhaps we were put here to expand our souls through the experiences of life. When we nourish our soul, we automatically nourish our capacity to love another person.
But at the same time, I don’t believe in begging and imploring either. What you did was injustice, I protested. When I was ignored, I closed the chapter. Khalas. Actually, I savor the idea of my new state. “Free of hypocrisy”. I have realized that seeking to impress humans is a pathetic exercise, an utter waste of time and life.
You have occasionally showed me that I am insignificant; on the other hand, I have always treasured your significance in my life. You made me suffer, for days, but alhamdullilah I have a grip on myself. You are not worth fighting for…a friend will give you a chance to speak, not judge you direct. I realized that and it was easy for me to let go.
Ever since I was a child, I have fought to make freedom my most precious commodity. I am still fighting! I have courage, its overflowing and people can’t stand that! I am not being presumptuous, please don’t misunderstand my statement…I am just telling you -people don’t like the fact that I am ABLE to do what I desire…because they lack that capacity and therefore hate me. Let them go on with hatred while I search for love. I am not insatiable like other a…… and I am very happy to have such a eminence in me! I, Aisha Gothey will never be bullied into silence. I, Aisha Gothey will never allow myself to be made a victim. I, Aisha Gothey will accept no one's definition of my life; I will define it myself.

Perhaps I’m just an automaton, after all!

Maybe it's the truest sign of my social awkwardness, but I always thought living and loving without an agenda was my one unquestionably good quality. Early in my life -- through brutal lessons in rejection -- my mother taught, dealing in subtleties has often lead to misunderstanding and frustration and needless pain.  So, that particular form of intimate diplomacy was an art I never cultivated.

Over the years, it's gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion, but, on the whole, I've been happy that I don't know how to play the game. Yes, I've been humiliated, and, yes, I've unintentionally hurt the feelings of those I care about. But above all, I've striven to be honest.  I thought that was the most important thing. It would seem I thought wrong. Although it probably wasn't my mother's intention that I take anything away from those exchanges other than my physical presence, I learned to say what I mean and, in some instances, to do it quickly. Because I never knew when I would get another chance to say, "I love you" or "I need a hug" or even, "I'm angry with you" 

When I got older, I applied that same logic to romantic relationships, and persisted even when it left me feeling vulnerable or red-faced. Not long after, I learned the value of silence. It was preferable, I figured, not to risk burning bridges with people who were dear to me. I have since realized both have their flaws. 

I never expected to revisit a time when a friend wouldn't take me at face value. Last night, I did. And it made me angry beyond words and cut into my heart. And the worst part is, this time I know it is because I failed to understand the signs, apparently glowing like neon for the rest of the world. Because I never learned to play the game.